Staring Into The Abyss: Impending End of My Tenure as a SAHM
Next fall, my son will start preschool, and I will stop watching my friend’s child. I am staring this void in the face, no concrete idea of what my next step will be, and it’s daunting. It adds tremendous pressure and anxiety to blogging to “turn it into something” by then, and I constantly question whether that is even the right move for me. I am always wondering about and writing mini-business plans in my head and in GoogleDocs for other side hustles I could add to my repertoire. Writing more for other publications. Personal styling. Designing websites. Interior decorating. Cooking lessons. The possibilities swirl before me and are so overwhelming it’s difficult not to just shut down entirely. Over the last month and a half, our family has lived through a perfect storm of my husband being swamped with grad school (on top of work), my son suddenly being very difficult and two, and my most recent significant depressive episode. My son and I seem to have pulled out of the worst of our troubles simultaneously, though my husband is still working as hard as ever.
When you spend your life carrying around a backpack full of limiting beliefs about yourself, it is nearly impossible to tell where your true limitations are, and that’s where I’m at now. I am staring at a pile of ideas, many of which I am really excited about, and I am so bogged down by negative self-talk that I am left with no way of accurately weighing my options effectively enough to choose a direction to move in. I want to be the brave, enterprising person who makes her own business thrive; going all in and believing in her dreams, but there are days where I feel like I can barely make myself lunch, and in those moments, it seems impossible that I could succeed at anything that hinged on my keeping it together.
Balancing depression and an impending major life change is something I know I’ve never done well in the past, but I am determined to do better this time, mostly for the sake of my husband and son, since they’re along for the ride with me, but I understand somewhere in the back of my head, also for me. If I’m not doing it for me too, it’s not going to pan out. In this moment, I am feeling raw and worn out. Having another depressive episode, despite being on medication, was a wake-up call for me that this is a chronic condition, one I am always going to have to take into account.
Even the better, “high functioning” days are not easy. I have an amazing support network that is there to catch me if I fall, but I have to start climbing again if I’m going to have anywhere to fall from. I have some promising leads. I have some good ideas, but they aren’t any good to me if I don’t move forward with any of them. How do other people handle this, the collision of motherhood, mental health, and uncertain vocation? I’d love to hear about it, for real, this isn’t just one of those things you say at the end of a blog post to get people to engage. I’d really love to know how other people handle this. Because I just don’t know. Love this? Pin it!